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How can I NOT buy a product called Butt Stuff?

Look, I’m 49 years old and have birthed two children. I don’t need to draw a diagram of how that fucks up your body, especially the no-no square. I have not yet had a flare-up, so I haven’t gotten to use megababe Butt Stuff Hemorrhoid Cream ($22.40, down from $28) yet. You will be the FIRST to know how it goes…

In addition to restocking on Sol de Janeiro Brazilian Joia Strengthening + Smoothing Shampoo and Conditioner ($26 each), I added a few fun things to my cart. I’ve never read a single page or watched a single frame of Twilight, but I got a Twilight: New Moon x Colourpop Multichrome Shadow Stix in “It’s Always Been Him” ($12) because the color was extra pretty. I tried it and I like it – but it is a whole lotta green for my face. I also picked up Holo Taco “Milky White Shimmer” ($14) because why not?

All this was enough for a free 13 piece beauty bag with my $90 purchase. In addition to the canvas drawstring beauty bag, I got Oak Essentials Moisture Rich Balm (in a weird burlap bag?); Pureology Strength Cure Shampoo and Conditioner (I love a matching set); Gaultier Divine; Caroline Herrera Very Good Girl; NYX Face Freezie Cooling Primer; Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb Tiger Lily; Clinique Moisture Surge Active Glow Serum; Mugler Alien Goddess (ugh, why do I get this in every fucking bag?); Paco Rabanne Invictus Victory Elixir; Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium; Good Molecules Hydrating Facial Cleansing Gel; and Dionis Goat Milk Hand Cream in “Vanilla Bean”. I really appreciate that the bag wasn’t one of the 13 items. I could’ve done with less perfume samples, but the rest of the samples are top shelf.

Just $814 until I reach Platinum for 2026.